Me to friend: Were your boobs ever insanely itchy during pregnancy?
Friend: I don’t think so…
Me: Oh never mind, I just found a bunch of crumbs in my bra.
Me: Toast and a tank top.
Friend: …..


Husband: Do you smell that? Is our sewer backing up?! My buddy said his backed up this morning!
Me: I have gas.
Husband: It smells toxic.


OhmygodimgrowingblackhairsonmybellybuttonfromthepregnancyhormonesNoNoNoNothiscannotbehappening…. Oh. Its just dog hair and slobber stuck to me.