As a mother now, I cannot imagine losing a child. I cannot imagine having to go through all the preparations, the funeral, watching your child be lowered into the ground. I cannot imagine the thing that must run through a parents mind, a parent who has lost a child. I’m so grateful I have Lillienne to make me smile through this horrible time. It’s so hard to take care of an infant when you’re grieving, but at the same time, I need to be around Lillienne. I need her grins and burps and farts to make me smile. She’s so happy, she doesnt know whats going on. Yesterday she was sitting so pretty by herself on the floor, and I was sitting infront of her, crying and crying and crying. And she laughed. Because my red and soaked and distorted face was hilariously ugly. She probably thought I was trying to be gruesome on purpose. She laughed, and giggled, and reached her little hands to my face. There is nothing in the world to erase all the pain and tears and heartache like a little baby. Even if it’s only for a few moments.
I cannot believe the strength of Karen’s parents. This is their second daughter they have lost. The second daughter who has died in a car accident, the second daughter they have lost on the same section of highway. I dont know how they manage to walk and talk. They even smiled a bit yesterday. I couldnt even talk, I walked out of the room and stared at a painting in their kitchen. Karen’s old bedroom door down the hall was like a magnet for my eyes. I just wanted to go in to her old room and lay down on her old bed and sleep.
This is one of the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my life, if you can call what I’ve been doing the past 3 days “dealing with it.” The more it sinks in, the harder it hurts. She’s not gone. She’s on vacation. She’s fishing at the lake, she’ll be back on monday.
They already have a cross up for her on the highway. Apparently that means it’s real, she’s dead, that’s where she died, and I have to bury a best friend this weekend.