Baby is still head down. Fetal heart rate was 144 beats per minute this morning. Cervix is still closed, but I have been having contractions with back pain again all day. Dr says she will hopefully see my next week unless I go into labour….??
Last night I was thinking…”WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH A BABY?” I started to panic a little bit but I just lay in bed and shut the hell up because Dustin was already having a hard time falling asleep.
Just a little anxiety attack. I was running a million scenes through my head, and all of them included Dustin, myself, and….. a baby. It’s a little scary to think it will never, ever, be just the two us us, just him and I, for a long, long time. Of course I am really excited for the baby to come and start a new life with Dustin and our baby but in the back of my mind it’s like…holy f&*#(ing shit, we are going to be parents right away.
It’s sad to think that this chapter in my life is coming to a close very soon. Just the two of us, being ridiculous, doing spontaneous things, enjoying things as a secret little team, cuddling on the couch and making eachother laugh until we cry, doing/eating/saying whatever we want because who cares, its just us.
….And now there will be a new chapter starting, a chapter where it wont be about us all the time, where infact it might be so horrible at first that we’ll start to fight because we’re so exhausted, so emotionally drained from all this newness that we stare at eachother like strangers, so unprepared for everything we’re about to encounter, because what do you mean it’s NOT all about pushing the cute, cooing, baby around in the shops and cute outfits and butterflies and picnics and la di dah we’re a happy family??????
Of course I know we’ll be okay. It’s just there is so much uncertainty that lies ahead and I struggle with not being able to see the god damn future.
I know that we are in for a massive, drastic, life changing experience and that I can’t wimp out now, there is no eight and a half month after pill available at Shoppers Drug Mart….
I wouldnt trade being pregnant with our baby for the world. I am extremely excited for all the new experiences and memories and laughs that are on the way. I know deep in my heart worrying about all of this already makes me a good mom, and I know Dustin will be an amazing dad because he is just that awesome at everything he puts his heart into.
But that doesnt mean I can’t be SHITTING MY PANTS with anxiety.